The extreme policy of shomer negiah makes every physical interaction, no matter how benign, seem like an abhorrent sin, when in actuality, touch can be a mark of closeness, friendship, and love. The rabbis wanted people to refrain from touch completely to erase any possibility of violating Torah rules on intimacy, but in creating the shomer negiah policy, they’ve instead created an unrealistic and unnecessary set of rules that stifle interaction and the expression of emotion.
It is perplexing that at Bnai-David, the quintessence of Modern Orthodox Judaism, almost nobody follows by the laws of shomer negiah, yet we are still expected to strictly abide by these rules at school and in our everyday lives.
While some argue that not having these rules in place would create an uncomfortable environment, having strict shomer negiah rules actually leads to an even more uncomfortable environment. Contact between people of opposite genders is something natural. Moreover, touch does not necessarily signify sexual interest – it can be a way to connect with someone emotionally, to finalize a business deal, or to console someone when they’re upset. People are perfectly capable of touching without going completely haywire.
Although the rabbis forbid contact between men and women, in the co-ed environment of Shalhevet High School, a Modern Orthodox school, it is tough to abide by such extreme religious practices. Our school, much like real life, involves cooperation between men and women. It’s simply unrealistic to refrain from touch completely in a co-ed environment. By being in a setting with both genders present, we learn how to respectfully interact with each other, which is a skill we’ll need when we get into the real world, too.
While people may think that a strict shomer negiah policy in school will affect students outside of school by making them think twice before they touch someone from the opposite sex, this is not the case. In fact, it’s often the opposite. By placing a disproportionate amount of emphasis on touch, regardless of intent, people start thinking of touch as some foreign, exciting activity. The allure of making something “illegal” is often enough to make people overindulge.
With a strict rule in place, out of school and in society students will have a stronger urge to break shomer negiah because outside of school they can! This is very similar to any other rule. For instance, when students in a school are forced to wear a uniform, students won’t wear their uniforms – or anything resembling it – outside of school, no matter how normal the clothing is.
At the bar mitzvah last week at Bnai-David, all the men and women greeting each other were simply good friends. People have the ability to touch respectfully and platonically, without the possibility of turning into sex-crazed maniacs. But you wouldn’t know it by the restrictive laws of shomer negiah.These laws assume the worst of human intentions and ignore the best. We should no longer be forced to witness one thing in our shuls and and then be forced to do another in our school. Our parents and their shuls have it right.
